How do we move forward?
For those of you who have dealt with the bitter roller coaster of infertility and have now come to a decision to pursue adoption, this article may be for you. This was an article I (Kaitlyn) wrote for the Alaska FSA (Families Supporting Adoption) website in the summer of 2012. The Alaska FSA website is no longer up, so I never wrote parts II-IV. Although, if there's interest, I would be willing to write them. Just let me know by sending me a question using the form on the adoption education page.
Like many of you my spouse and I are hoping to adopt. Several years ago we found ourselves being told by doctors that we would be unable to have biological children. I'm sure many of you have experienced this and have memories of all the strong emotions and feelings that come with that unfathomable news. Since that day we have explored many options, but ultimately have settled on adoption. While the possibility of adoption is encouraging and comforting, over time it can also seem out of reach and futile. We do not have to be impatient bystanders in our hopes to adopt.
Hopefully, I can give some insight that can help those who are just beginning your journey as an adoptive couple and those who are looking for ways to move forward. I would encourage any of you to comment on this post with further ideas that you might have on the things discussed below. My ideas are probably not anything spectacular or new, but each of us has had experiences and ideas that someone else has not. We can benefit and learn from one another.
Here are a few ideas for getting the word out that you are looking to adopt and marketing yourself a bit:
Open your mouth: Discussing infertility with others is a hard thing to do. You have to be mindful of not only your own feelings, but also the feelings of your spouse. While you don't have to discuss infertility with someone just because you tell them you are going to adopt, in many cases the decision to adopt comes about because of infertility. For me, telling someone that we were adopting was admitting out loud to myself and to someone else that my spouse and I had fertility problems. That's a hard pill to swallow and it takes time to admit.
My husband and I waited nearly a year before telling our family about our decision to adopt. We hadn't even mentioned infertility to anyone but our own parents and a close friend. We waited for our family reunion with all my siblings and their children before we told anyone (other than our parents) of our decision. I could barely muster the courage to speak up. I petitioned my mother beforehand to "make me do it" if it looked like I was going to back out. It seemed easier to tell everyone all at once rather than having several individual conversations. As hard as it was to say, it was amazingly comforting. I went from feeling like my husband and I were going through this experience nearly alone to being buoyed up by 40+ family members. (I have a rather large family.) Immediately we were in people's thoughts and prayers. That is an amazing comfort and strength. If you have not found the courage to tell your family and close friends yet, work with your spouse to gain that courage. You won't regret it.
Besides opening your mouth with family and close friends, it's also important to open your mouth with other friends, acquaintances, and even strangers. I was raised in a home in which I was taught that the number of children a couple has and when the couple has those children is a very personal thing and it wasn't appropriate to ask questions of a couple regarding these matters. Because of this, I never reacted well to people asking me when I was going to have children even before my husband and I knew about our fertility problems. At times I would just brush it off, but most of the time I was angry, offended, or hurt. I couldn't believe another person would have the nerve to ask me such a personal question. These feelings were something I had to deal with when we decided to adopt. While I still have strong feelings about asking personal questions, I have taught myself to react differently when people ask me about children. Instead of thinking to myself how rude they are or feeling hurt that my husband and I can't have biological children, I simply answer, "No, we don't have any children yet, but we're trying to adopt." I now look at it as an opportunity to spread the word and to hopefully speed up the process of being matched with a birth mother. Most of the time the conversation doesn't carry on farther than that, but sometimes more questions will be asked. This is a good opportunity to represent adoption well and possibly give out a pass along card. (I'll talk more about pass along cards in another post.)
So, my advice to you if you are just beginning this adoption process or if you are like me and very shy to be open about your decision to adopt, is to open your mouth. Begin to tell people. It will get easier. I think we all experience lose, anger, unbelief, jealousy, and hopelessness. Please don't let those feelings cripple you while you are learning to deal with them. You will learn to deal with them and you will find help and comfort from others as you open your mouth and spread the word.
Hopefully, I can give some insight that can help those who are just beginning your journey as an adoptive couple and those who are looking for ways to move forward. I would encourage any of you to comment on this post with further ideas that you might have on the things discussed below. My ideas are probably not anything spectacular or new, but each of us has had experiences and ideas that someone else has not. We can benefit and learn from one another.
Here are a few ideas for getting the word out that you are looking to adopt and marketing yourself a bit:
- Open your mouth
- Online profiles
- Pass Along Cards
- Paper profiles
Open your mouth: Discussing infertility with others is a hard thing to do. You have to be mindful of not only your own feelings, but also the feelings of your spouse. While you don't have to discuss infertility with someone just because you tell them you are going to adopt, in many cases the decision to adopt comes about because of infertility. For me, telling someone that we were adopting was admitting out loud to myself and to someone else that my spouse and I had fertility problems. That's a hard pill to swallow and it takes time to admit.
My husband and I waited nearly a year before telling our family about our decision to adopt. We hadn't even mentioned infertility to anyone but our own parents and a close friend. We waited for our family reunion with all my siblings and their children before we told anyone (other than our parents) of our decision. I could barely muster the courage to speak up. I petitioned my mother beforehand to "make me do it" if it looked like I was going to back out. It seemed easier to tell everyone all at once rather than having several individual conversations. As hard as it was to say, it was amazingly comforting. I went from feeling like my husband and I were going through this experience nearly alone to being buoyed up by 40+ family members. (I have a rather large family.) Immediately we were in people's thoughts and prayers. That is an amazing comfort and strength. If you have not found the courage to tell your family and close friends yet, work with your spouse to gain that courage. You won't regret it.
Besides opening your mouth with family and close friends, it's also important to open your mouth with other friends, acquaintances, and even strangers. I was raised in a home in which I was taught that the number of children a couple has and when the couple has those children is a very personal thing and it wasn't appropriate to ask questions of a couple regarding these matters. Because of this, I never reacted well to people asking me when I was going to have children even before my husband and I knew about our fertility problems. At times I would just brush it off, but most of the time I was angry, offended, or hurt. I couldn't believe another person would have the nerve to ask me such a personal question. These feelings were something I had to deal with when we decided to adopt. While I still have strong feelings about asking personal questions, I have taught myself to react differently when people ask me about children. Instead of thinking to myself how rude they are or feeling hurt that my husband and I can't have biological children, I simply answer, "No, we don't have any children yet, but we're trying to adopt." I now look at it as an opportunity to spread the word and to hopefully speed up the process of being matched with a birth mother. Most of the time the conversation doesn't carry on farther than that, but sometimes more questions will be asked. This is a good opportunity to represent adoption well and possibly give out a pass along card. (I'll talk more about pass along cards in another post.)
So, my advice to you if you are just beginning this adoption process or if you are like me and very shy to be open about your decision to adopt, is to open your mouth. Begin to tell people. It will get easier. I think we all experience lose, anger, unbelief, jealousy, and hopelessness. Please don't let those feelings cripple you while you are learning to deal with them. You will learn to deal with them and you will find help and comfort from others as you open your mouth and spread the word.
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Follow us on Instagram @timandkaitlynhopetoadopt
Follow us on Facebook: Tim and Kaitlyn Want to Adopt!
Contact Us
